Andrew Cattanach didn’t expect to become a stay-at-home dad, but having been the primary carer for his two daughters for five years, he wouldn’t have it any other way
Millennial fathers spend, on average, triple the amount of time with their children compared to dads in the 1960s. It’s no straightforward golden age – parenting today is for many a complex juggle – but the shift in roles has been profound, with children and society poised to benefit. In this series, we meet two men who are dadding differently, and the fatherhood scientist who’s tracking the rise of more involved dads.
Fatherhood in focus #3: Andrew Cattanach, father to one-year-old Isla and Catriona, five
Change the little one’s nappy, prepare lunch, wash the older one’s dress, email the nursery, clean the kitchen, confirm tomorrow’s play date. And that’s just the late morning to-do list. Ahead lies the school pick-up, colouring, play time, snacks, more play time, dinner prep, dinner clearing, welcoming mum home, bath, teeth, bed, story and – fingers crossed – sleep.
For someone who never planned to be a stay-at-home dad, Glasgow-based freelance writer Andrew Cattanach is certainly embracing the reality of his weekdays being occupied with caring for two daughters: one-year-old Isla and Catriona, five. “It wasn’t something we really agreed beforehand. It just sort of happened,” says the 43-year-old. “My partner was really busy, and a lot of my work had dried up, so it just made sense for me to be primary carer.”
Not that he regrets it. Sure, like all full-time parents, he is not above a little moaning (“it’s the dour Aberdonian in me,” he jokes): the getting up in the night, the lack of adult company, the sense of mild suffocation that an excess of soft play and SpongeBob can sometimes create.
“But all the things I complain about now will be whitewashed by time, right? I know I’ll look back at all these experiences and be nothing but delighted that I did this.” And by ‘experiences’, he doesn’t just mean being there to see his daughters’ first steps or hear their first words (amazing as such moments are). But the little things as well. Like watching his girls play together, or seeing his eldest point out a cow in a book and say “moo” to her sister before turning the page.
If he had to categorise the challenges of being a stay-at-home dad, the vast majority have nothing to do with his gender. Full-time childcare can be tough at times, whoever it is who takes up the baton. For Cattanach, as for many other primary carers, holding on to his identity outside of parenting is one of the “fundamental” challenges he faces.
“I can’t remember the last time I went to the toilet on my own or had a meal on my own. It’s just pretty all-consuming,” he says. “I don’t hear women say: ‘Man, this is tough’, but I’m pretty sure they do, they just don’t say it around me.”
‘I can’t remember the last time I went to the toilet on my own or had a meal on my own,’ admits Andrew Cattanach
Whatever the case, being a stay-at-home dad has made him much more empathetic towards all those who act as primary caregivers, which, despite many of the dads in his circles being “fairly hands on”, still tends to be women. This won’t change ,he suspects, until employers become more flexible: provision for shared parental leave is still the exception, for instance, let alone the possibility of shared parenting on a permanent basis.
In his case, being freelance helps. During nap times or at the weekend, he’s able to keep his hand in with article-writing. In fact, people (especially mums) are increasingly comfortable with children being present during video calls, he finds. When Catriona was young, he even managed to carve out time for some creative writing, albeit at an ungodly hour of the morning before she woke up. Although he confesses that now having two children under his care, finding the “energy and motivation” to write is a good deal trickier.
Does he feel the odd one out? Not really, he says. True, he found the mums at playgroup or in the park a bit distant initially, but he puts this down to him having recently moved into the area and being “new on the scene”. By the time Isla arrived, he had found his “group”. As for institutions like the pre-school and doctor’s, he’s never once felt judged or singled out, a fact he credits with him being “there from the outset”.
I know I’ll look back at all these experiences and be nothing but delighted that I did this
The story is slightly different with older generations. He recalls one of his mum’s friends telling him – with the signature “don’t take this the wrong way” prelude to an offensive remark – that “women should take care of the kids”. Similarly, an older male acquaintance, on learning about Cattanach’s parenting role, commented that he “could never have done that”. Asked whether he would have liked to, the man shot back, without missing a beat: “No, not really.”
That, if anything, is the biggest change. Unlike his own father, who was warm and affectionate, but “didn’t do nappies”, Cattanach is convinced that there’s “probably no job better in the world” than being a stay-at-home dad.
Would he advise others to follow in his shoes? Before the dour Aberdonian in him pipes up, he’s out with his response. “If they are up for it, then, yes, they should absolutely go for it, no doubt,” he enthuses. “There are hardships involved, but, really, it’s just wonderful. Honestly, just the greatest thing.”
Photography: Emily MacInness
